Empty Empathy
by pizzahole
Summary: I opened my mouth to say something, anything, maybe even something to relieve her concern, but instead I shook my head sadly and smiled. I shut the nameless book and stood up, leaving her with six words that I'm sure only aggrandized her uneasiness, "How did I get this way?"
1. Summary

**00: Summary**

"Hey," I felt someone lightly touch my shoulder, yet they felt so far away. Their touch was warm, but failed to reach the

coldness I felt inside me. I continued to stare mindlessly at the words in front of me that belonged to a book whose title I

quickly forgot. The soft touch became more violent as they shook me harder, "Michael! Hey…" I could hear the desperation

in their voice, and I almost felt bad for worrying them. I turned my gaze and met their eyes, although I didn't feel like I

was really looking at them. It was like I wasn't even real; like I was watching a story unfold, one that didn't belong to me.

"Michael, what's wrong?" she asked. I wanted so badly to speak, to tell her everything that was wrong with me. But how

could I tell her that I felt so lifeless? That I have done unspeakable things? Things that make me feel repulsive, unlovable,

disgusting, but more than anything, these things make me feel alive. I opened my mouth to say something, anything,

maybe even something to relieve her concern, but instead I shook my head sadly and smiled. I shut the nameless book and

stood up, leaving her with six words that I'm sure only aggrandized her uneasiness, "How did I get this way?"


	2. 01: Hollow Hours Form Dull Days

**01: Hollow Hours Form Dull Days**

The aggravating sound of my alarm clock grated on my nerves and I wondered why I even bothered setting it in the first

place. With each day I found it harder and harder to get out of bed, it felt like something was slowly draining the life out

of me but I couldn't determine what it was. We were only a few weeks into the new semester and I had already reached

my limit on days I could miss. I decided I should get up and go, despite the fact that every bone in my body wanted

nothing more than to lay in these crumpled sheets instead of suffocating in the stress and responsibilities that I wanted

nothing to do with. I sluggishly made my way to the decrepit bathroom.

I flipped on the dim light, revealing the disheveled clothes that littered the floor. I picked up one of the shirts that didn't

look too dirty, but quickly threw it back down when a cockroach crawled out from underneath it. Looks like I'll be wearing

the same shirt I've had on for the last four days, not that anyone would notice. I glanced at my reflection in the filthy

mirror and noted that I fit right in with this falling apart bathroom. I looked as hollow as I felt. The stars in my eyes had

disappeared long ago when a dark void entered my galaxy and sucked them from me.

I looked away from the mirror in annoyance. I didn't want to be this way; I didn't want to be unhappy. I splashed some

water on my face and made my way into the kitchen. The fridge was covered in sticky notes, each one signed "Mom." I

looked at the most recent one, "Won't be home tonight, money is on the table for food - Mom" There was no "I love you,"

or apology; no words of endearment or concern. I bitterly shoved the money into the pocket of my worn jeans. Whenever

she was home, she failed to see that I'm not okay, that I'm withering away with each day. She was never there to

comfort me, to ask if I was alright or to say "I know it must be hard, but you'll get through it." It painted me for so long

to have that lack of reassurance and love, but now I'm numb, or at least that's what I say to help me ignore the small

sting I feel in my chest.

I eventually made my way to school, although I had missed first period. I stopped by the park on my way to school and

lost track of time while I swang mindlessly on the swings. I even smiled fondly as I recalled a memory of when me and

Eri had played here when we were little. Things were better then. I pushed these thoughts away and looked for the book

I needed for English. It was full of poems and short stories that I loved but would never admit. I clutched the book firmly

in my hand as if I would fall apart the moment it left my hands. I could already feel my anxiety threatening to choke me.

I knew I would see Eri and she would beleaguer me with questions. Before I could reach my seat, my teacher pulled me

aside and pointed out all the things I already knew but purposely ignored. Things along the lines of I'm too far behind and

I'll never get anywhere in life with the attitude I have. It's not that I don't care, it's actually quite the opposite; however,

if I don't put on the attitude of indifference, I worry that my stress might kill me.

I nodded along and mumbled, "I know," a few times and quietly made my way to my seat, which was luckily towards the

back of the room where no one would bother me. "Pssst," I heard a voice near me, "Michael, over here!" I sighed and

directed my attention to the familiar voice. "What is it, Eri?" Her smile faded as she sized me up, she could obviously tell I

lost weight from the way my T-shirt loosely hung off me. She knew I was getting worse and before she could ask what

was wrong I said, "I'm okay, just a little stressed. I think I might have caught the flu to be honest, it's been going around

you know?" and forced a fake smile. Her smile returned and she shook her head in disapproval, "Even if you feel sick, you

still need to eat, Mikey. Would you like me to pick up some soup for you after school? If you need someone to take care

of you I-" but I cut her off and let out a half-hearted laugh, "I can take care of myself, _Mom."_ I teased. She huffed and

crossed her arms, "I just care about you." My expression softened, "I know, and you'll never know how much I appreciate

that." I said sincerely. I don't think I would have gotten this far without her, she's always been there to push me forward.

She's the only person that's really cared about me.

I remember the day I first met her, she was always so bright and cheery. It was fourth grade and I had been sitting

against the brick wall during recess, reading a book that was well above a fourth grade level. No one bothered me, I was

already nonexistent to them at this point; however, one day, a girl with red, tangly hair and the biggest blue eyes I had

ever seen spoke to me. "What'cha doin' over here, all alone?" she questioned. "Reading." I replied without looking up.

"Hmm," she drawed out, "I've never seen that book before." I didn't say anything and waited for her to walk away, but to

my surprised she sat down next to me. "Wow, those are some big words. You must be really smart." she said in awe. I

shrugged, "Not really." She said that I was modest, but there's a difference between being modest and not believing in

yourself.

"What's your name?" she asked after awhile. "Michael." I said, continuing to keep my replies short. I figured she'd lose

interest in me eventually, but she never did. "Michael, huh?" she said, smiling, "I like it." I shook my head, "It's nothing

special." but she seemed to disagree. "That's the problem. People think things have to be unique to be special, but really,

anything can be special if it's meaningful to you." After she said those words, that was the first time I looked at her. She

certainly was special, both because she was unique and because she was meaningful to me. She had a name that fit her,

too. "My name's Eridanus, Eri for short. It's a bit of a weird name, I know, but I like it. My parents were really interested

in the stars and they named me after their favorite constellation, The River." she told me. She was much like the group of

stars that made up her name; hell, she shined brighter than any star I had ever seen.

She was like a corner piece in a puzzle. Everyone liked her, she was simple and easy to place, but she was on the outside

of the puzzle. Almost excluded, but still there, still _necessary._ She was a nice, quiet outsider. Me, on the other hand, was

a piece that never fit in the puzzle to begin with. Perhaps I was placed in the wrong box or maybe I was just lost. Either

way, I didn't mind because she made me feel at home. "Alright class, let's discuss the short story you were told to read

last night," Mr. Gibson instructed, snapping me back to reality. Somehow, I felt a little better after coming to school

today. Maybe I'll have to make it a habit to come more often. I told myself that I felt better because I was catching up on

my schoolwork, but honestly I think it just felt good to see Eri again.


End file.
